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aurora7
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Name: Sarah the Black
Birthday: 3/15/1985
Gender: Female
Interests: MUSIC!!, reading too damn much, drooling over attractive males, wasting time on the web, writing, public idiocy, etc
Expertise: being the ghetto-est pirate e'er to sail the seven seas
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  yo7up364
Member Since:
6/1/2003
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| Life is about the same, I guess. I freaked out about finding a summer roommate when Sunny quit getting back to me, but a guy I used to work with at the radio station (actually, he'd be my boss if I were still there) needs a place to stay and we get along pretty well and he can pay his entire half of the rent.
Adrian and I broke up cuz things got weird cuz we were trying not to let things get serious and it ended up being too hard to mentally separate things. So now we're just kung fu and hip-hop buddies. It was kind of weird at the end of the night when I dropped him off because he leaned in to kiss me like always and then caught himself.
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| Still dealing with depression that makes it hard for me to find a reason to get up in the morning and which makes me feel really lonely whenever I am not directly interacting with someone. But I am trying to work it out. I am trying to sort out the netting I've allowed to form over me recently, but it's hard. Depression always digs a hole and I have to get out of the hole to get past it but it is hard to even move straight forward when depressed, let alone climb uphill.
It makes me feel very impulsive and those impulsive moves make me feel better until what I should have been doing at the time catches up with me. This is the same position I was in last fall. Right down to the details, practically.
I am intimidated by a major, life-changing challenge (graduation in that case, finding full-time employment in this). I stay up all night when I'm doing something fun and therefore sleep whenever I have the chance. I binge eat when there is good food and go without eating for long stretches of time cuz I am too tired, busy, or depressed to cook. I drink frequently despite knowing it upsets my chemicals even more because when I drink I don't feel sad. I've made out with 4 people in the last two weeks and flirted with even more. And the question is: how do I fix that? How do I get up off this stump and do something productive?
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| A good night's sleep helps a lot of things. Like it helps me think more clearly about what I do and do not want and who I do or do not want. I feel more solid now despite both of my co-workers and one former who heard about Saturday trying to convince me of what a good couple I'd be with Markus. ("I know!" I say, "And if I weren't trying to go out with someone else, then hell yeah, but I am and we both knew that." I respond to continued musings with, "C'mon, don't do that.") I'm a little worried about it getting around the store. I had to tell Justin, whose house the party was at, who I went home with in order for him to give me back the stuff I left there. (He didn't remember; I apparently betrayed the fact that I wasn't alone when I was visibly glad he didn't remember me leaving.) I told him to keep it on the low because we don't want his brother to find out--because he's an asshole/ my friend/ my boss/ his brother/ his roommate/ an asshole and neither of us will ever hear the end--and because a lot of people at work know I am trying to get together with someone and without all the details--that I have had a crush on M for a long time, that I am not technically official with the other guy yet, that I still have trouble thinking like a non-single person, especially while drunk, etc.--it will sound a lot worse than it already does and I do enjoy having some dignity left. Anyhow, Justin is one of those people who are likely to let it leak without thinking about it, so I kind of expect everyone to know soon. I'll deal with that when it happens. (And I told Gabe who is a big gossip but I feel like telling him not to say anything might go a little farther than telling Justin.)
Instead, today's drama was getting locked out of the apartment. Sean has a houseguest who may or may not be his girlfriend (don't ask for clarification cuz even I don't know) and this morning when I came home from work to change before my interview the top lock was locked, no one answered when I knocked and when I called Sean to ask him to call Jenny and get her to open the door he was in class and wouldn't have gotten out until long after I would have to head back to the outlet mall to get there on time. So I started calling people looking for dress clothes I could borrow but ended up with no luck and thanked goodness I was too lazy to take off the tank top I slept in before I put on my shirt because I had a button-down that doesn't button because it is too small in my car, but it looked ok half buttoned over the tank. But I was still in beat up tennis shoes with unbrushed hair and a visible hickie that I was making an effort to hide with my hair since I had no access to my concealer. You all know I am a pretty accepting person, but I already disliked her because her personality clashes with everything I look for in people and because she changes Sean when she's around and he's too into her to say no to being treated like something to fix.
Sunday morning I thought I heard vaccuuming from the rest of the apartment around 8AM, which I later learned was her cleaning Sean's room because she thought it was too messy. She cleaned the rest of the apartment today, and though I guess I am also somewhat greatful it feels like infringing on the messy, laid back atmosphere of D7 and cuz some of my food has been shuffled around and I had to hunt to find it. Regardless, vaccuuming at 8AM is rude if there is someone who may be sleeping in the apartment. She is Sean's friend so I want to like her and she made dinner for Sean, several of his friends, and I this evening, which was very nice and tasty but the cons keep knocking over the pros and I am waiting with anticipation till the end of the week when she goes.
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| It is going to take a lot of adjusting to stop thinking like a single person.
Last night I went to a party, downed 9 shots in an hour and a half, and ended up taking a former co-worker home with me and fooling around for 8 hours till 11 in the morning. Yeah.
I've had a crush on the guy for quite a while and every time I go to a party he's at I end up draping myself all over him (especially when I'm drunk and flirty), but he didn't figure out until last night that was because I had a crush on him. Now, part of my brain knew that even though we aren't officially together it would be a kind of shitty thing to do to Adrian to go home with another guy but I was too drunk to remind myself of that when Markus kissed me. So this morning I said to myself that I should not drink until I can do it without throwing myself at guys and/ or bring a friend who'll keep an eye on me and pull me aside if I start doing anything like that.And if sleep deprivation is as bad as being drunk (it is) then I guess I can blame crushing on/ trying to hit on Sean's friend Jake on that. Cuz I was throwing the A-game out on him even though I am currently pissed at myself for (successfully) trying to get with a guy who is not the one I have been seeing recently. My brain still has not gotten used to the concept that I can't go after any/ every guy I want and it's going to take a lot of hard work to train myself.
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| I really dislike xanga's new format.
I wrote an entry a few weeks ago, but it seems to have gotten lost. Perhaps I had to do something and forgot to push post. Anyhow, it went something like this:
Been posting on lj more recently cuz it has more activity and the people on xanga also are on facebook, but for those details that might not interest people who don't know me well or I don't feel baring to people who might not know me well, here's a catch up.
Applied for a supervisor position at work. Kind of on a whim. The sign-up was there and I figured it wouldn't hurt to put my name down. I am looking for full-time employment since the class I have next fall doesn't meet regularly. I could use sick days or take half days to go to class the once a month or so it meets.
Yesterday I got a phone call about an interview for the job a month after signing up. I'd started to give up on the idea cuz I wasn't hearing anything, but I will interview, see what the job entails, the benefits/ salary and decide what I think.
Sean is moving out at the end of our lease at the start of August. That has both simplified and made more difficult the decision on whether or not to move. It has a lot to do with where I work. If I get that supervisor job, I want to stay in San Marcos, but if I get a job in Austin I don't want to commute from here every day. Commuting once a month for class or for the occasional party will not be a big deal since I travel to Austin about that often these days. Now I no longer have to take whether or not Sean is going to stay into account, but that could have been the swing vote.
I've started dating a guy who lives in Austin now, in north Austin to be more specific, so not having to drive as far to see him would be nice, especially since he doesn't have a car and therefore can't drive down to see me, but I think work would still be a bigger factor commute-wise in my life. Besides, I think he is looking at going to an out of state college in the fall.
My health has been fluctuating a lot. If you haven't read my notes on facebook, then you probably don't know that I have had trouble with fatigue, light-headedness, and even fainting. It started last fall when I was having the depression problems but has gotten progressively worse. In February, I started fainting occasionally with no obvious trigger and by March it was becoming regular enough (once or twice a week) that I went to a doctor to get some blood tests. Around that time I started noticing that I was bruising with no memorable cause and at one point seem to have bruised badly simply from dancing the night before. There was also a lump under the skin, which the doctor later told me was probably a hematoma- a small pooling of blood from a burst vessel. It's basically a bruise with a little more blood involved.
All the tests came back normal. I went off one of my anti-depressants, bringing my blood pressure up closer to normal levels. (It's always been low, but was dropping very low occasionally- 90/40 at one point, whereas "normal" is 120/80. I am usually around 100/65 which is in the lower range of ok.) That stopped the fainting, though the bruising remains an inexplicable problem. Guess I will have to get used to it.
Been moved to the stock team regularly now. Several people at work have quit, many of them being people who worked stock once or twice a week like I did so they are putting those of us who are still around in more often. It's nice cuz I get 32 hours a week and weekends off, but the getting up at 4:30 to be at work at 5 is not as much fun, though a more regular schedule seems to be a good thing. And since I've bothered to learn how to read the moves book, I have become a sort of unofficial second in command. Gloria can just say "Here are the women's pages," and I can set things up, take down shelves, put up stands, readjust mannequins, etc. Before, I just thought of it as other people not wanting to set things up so they would just put stuff on racks and make me do it, but I realized it's become an authority position when Gloria put me in charge of the other guys working my department on Wednesday.
I guess if I get that supervisor position I won't be doing that anymore since it is a customer service supervisor position and not a stock supervisor. I actually kind of like setting up shelves and such.
I met a boy. Actually, I didn't just meet him, I met him years ago, and have been attracted to him for a while. But he hasn't been single until recently. And then he didn't get the fact that he had a crush on me for a while. (Yes, I worded that correctly. He didn't realize his own crush.) And we went on a date last night which was actually my first ever actual second date. (Hanging out with friends or hanging around the apartment with your boy doesn't really count as a date.) And I really like him. And... yeah. *tee-hee*
That about sums things up I guess. There's more to say but not of enough importance to make this entry any longer.
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